Am I Really Cut Out for THIS?!?!?!

I have been wanting to write a post about motherhood for a long time. I am not even sure it is for anyone else as much just for me to be honest to God and to myself about my struggles. If someone else is blessed by it, great. Also, HERE and HERE you can read two really great and convicting articles by other moms that kind of inspired me to finally write this post.

It honestly crosses my mind most days at some point, "am I really cut out for this?" The moments when both my boys are screaming and hitting each other, or I find poop on TOP of the seat instead of in it, or underwear buried in the sandbox, or at least one of them getting up every single night for a kiss, really makes me wonder.

There were those friends of mine growing up, and still some that I have now, that only ever wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. I envy that. Somehow I always think that they must be better moms than me. I hear stories of my friends about crafts that they made during the day, or that they get up before their kids to make breakfast, or take them on outings every day, or spend the whole weekend just playing with them. Sometimes, all I have in a day is grace to make it through with a smile on my face.

Now, don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore my boys. There are not really words to express it, they are my world. But the sacrifices on a daily basis drain me sometimes. I just really want to be selfish at moments...to sleep in past 6, to eat a hot meal, to have my pre-baby body back, to spend the day alone with my husband, to watch something without singing cartoon characters, to be alone. But who says I deserve that anyways? Me? Society?

I ask God daily to make me more like Him, but yet, I want it in the ways I want. Maybe like an hour long quiet time in the mountains, or sitting over coffee with a friend, or by going on a mission trip back to Africa....BUT NOT and no way did I ever mean with two little precious beings. No way this is the way that God is drawing me to Himself. We like to tell God how to do things, and He in His faithfulness does what is best and going to bring Him the most glory, and good thing He does.

It requires so much more patience on my part to respond to Noah in love when he has gotten out of bed for the fourth time in one night, than it ever would for me to go back to Bosnia and paint another playground. It requires more humility for me to ask Hudson to forgive him for yelling at him about something, than it ever would for me to go serve at a soup kitchen. Now I am not saying that those things are not amazing ways to love God and know Him better, and maybe one day He will allow me to do that again. But for now, my sanctification, my calling, my struggle, is these little every day moments.

I think my biggest fight with it all is that I try so desperately to do it in my own strength. I either forget to tap into the grace and help that He has given me, or I just choose to not even use it out of pride. That is the journey that I am walking along, to stop fighting the hands that are wanting to help and change me. I have the blessing of showing my boys Christ, if I will allow Him to be poured out of my life. Oh, but then that means I have to work on my sin, my struggles, my stuff. I have to lay that junk before God and be changed first, so that He can use me to bless my kids. And THEN, let them see Him working on me, OUCH!

What a ride it has already been, and I am just getting started. With baby number three on his way in a few months, the bar has been raised again. In those moments when I ask myself, "am I really cut out for this," the answer is no. And then being able to rest in that and let God fill all the holes with Himself. And there is freedom in that. I don't want to look at how the other moms do it, but look at what Christ has called me to do. Love Him, and love my family :)