Had a rough week

So not sure if this is even appropriate to some to be sharing, but I am learning that it is important for me to be honest, vulnerable, and real. I know that scares some people, and maybe even offends others, but I would rather that be the case to a few, and it minister and encourage the rest.

This past week or so has been one of the hardest I have ever known. If you would have asked me a week ago if I would be typing this, I would not believe you. Blaine and I found out a few weeks ago that we were expecting our third baby. I was beyond excited (once I got over the shock of a crazy house :P) and already started making plans. I was convinced it was a girl for some reason, and already had a pink baby hat picked out and set aside for her. I was going to be due the end of March.

I say this all in past tense because about a week later we lost the baby (over this past weekend). It is an avalanche of emotions all at once, and some I never thought I would have. I have always heard that this is really common and happens to a lot of women, but I just assumed like most that I would avoid it. I got really attached really quickly, and then had to let go so soon. I feel like I knew something was wrong from the beginning, but I did find myself trying to pretend like I thought everything was going to be ok. In a sense, of course it is ok, but not in the sense that I was hoping.

I would by lying to you if I said that I have not mourned this loss, but in so many ways, I have found joy as well. God has been showing me so much of Himself, and allowing me to have sweet times with Him just loving me. This has DRAMATICALLY altered my perception and sensitivity to a lot of things. I would give anything to be nauseated, and tired right now, and yet I complained through both my last pregnancies every day. Now I realize that every moment that I felt sick was really a time to cherish. Also, I get frustrated as a mom so much at my boys. It makes me see that even those times when Hudson is sitting on the kitchen table eating all the brownies, or Noah is getting up in the middle of the night every night wanting to crawl into bed with us, that I should be grateful. They are a gift.

I have friends that have tried to get pregnant and cannot, friends that have lost babies early on, as well as later, friends that have lost loved ones very close to them. I have never had these happen to me. Now I feel a new understanding (although different) of that pain, and it allows me to see things in a new way. The strength that these people show is humbling to say the least and convicts me to have strength when things are hard with anything in life.

I would say that is the greatest thing I am learning, that He really does come through. Not that I ever really truly doubted it before, but it is such a confirmation that He is here and constant, That His GRACE is sufficient. That He is still in control when things are hard, bad, confusing, chaotic. He DOES NOT CHANGE! Romans 8:38,39 "For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

I am grateful for this and really am at the place that I can praise Him. It has altered me forever. Although, I cannot guarantee that when I see cute little pink hats I won't get a little teary :) But I hope to always remember and so I would not change it, it keeps me needy and I want to live my life that way always. On my knees...