So...I am mainly writing this to just process what is going on with me lately. But then I realized, maybe it would help someone else, and maybe it would also fill in some of my friends on how things have been in my life. Read on if any of those reasons entice you...if not, then I am sure there are more exciting notes to read on FB :)
Habakkuk 3:17-18..."Though the fig tree does not bud, and there are no grapes on the vines, thought the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be JOYFUL in God my Savior." Now, one might think that we have no idea what this looks like as we are such a blessed country and so do not understand this at all. But this is how I read this in Kelly version..."Though the paycheck seems a little smaller than you would like to make you extra comfortable, and your kids do not sleep through the night and wake before 6 am every morning, and you feel insignificant at times because of being a stay-at-home mom, and your house is way messier than it should be and you feel overwhelmed by it, and God seems very far away (but that is mainly because you do not spend time with Him like you should), and you have chronic fatigue that seems to be getting worse and just enough energy to put on pj pants and a t-shirt every day, and you see many areas in your life that need to be broken, yet I will will rejoice in the Lord!"
Yep, that is a good way to explain a few things. I have been really overwhelmed lately with life. Not even really anything specific, just a bunch of little things that have really just added up. I would say it has been the last year or so, but really, if I am being honest, it has been a lot longer than that. I am not sure when it started, but somehow I quit rejoicing in the Lord. I lost my joy. I have allowed the things of this world to overwhelm and control me. Not that I ever even saw it coming, but satan is sneaky like that. He robbed my joy one piece at a time, and then you know what? I started to believe that it was just who I was becoming as I got older. And sometimes when you get so far one way, it is easier to just stay there then to put for the effort to change.
There are a few of you who knew me in high school...I was very different then. I was an optimist to the 100th degree, almost too much :) And then, I started to become a "realist" as I would say, and then somehow it is now where I am a pessimist and fail to ever see how God is going to take care of me. He always has and always will, but I just keep forgetting. I sure see it in other people's lives though, it is easier somehow??
Basically, my EPIPHANY is that I have been afraid to admit that I have lost my first love. Afraid to admit that I am not as close to God as I would like to be. Afraid to admit that I am overwhelmed. But you see, that is PRIDE! Ouch!!! I wanted everyone to see me as ok, and yet I still have been struggling and trying to figure out how to be real and honest, and find the balance of those two. That is where I was yesterday...stuck in my lack of trust, self-pity, sad for Kelly, I can never go back to being joyful and optimistic attitude. I don't want to be there anymore!!!! I want to let go :)
I want to fall in love with Jesus again and walk in the joy that comes from knowing Him and know that He is in control. It does not matter how tired, or overwhelmed, or annoyed, or afraid I am, He is constant, in control and faithful.
I am not saying that I am skipping everywhere from now on, but I am putting a stake in the ground that things are going to change! And now that I have put it into writing, there is no going back. There is a song, not even sure who sings it, but it says "I'm not going back, I'm moving ahead. I'm here to declare to you, the past is over in You. Things are made new, surrender my life to Christ. I'm moving, moving forward!" (I am sure i messed up some of the words :P)
Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning. —Psalm 30:4-5
JOY, watch out, here I come :)
5 comments:
i just want you to know that I will be praying for you. You are a blessing to me. Please let me know how I can help. Liz W.
thanks for sharing. i love that verse!
Wow! Kelly, this is exactly where I find myself today! I started reading "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan and thought "when did I lose my joy in God?" Everything you said just went through my head and in my prayers to God! I was like "I am not living like this anymore! I want to find my joy in God and live for Him again! I am sick of going through the motions!" Then I thought "I need to talk to Kelly. I need to reconnect to what God taught me through YWAM and He has brought me right here so close to Kelly and Blaine." So I got on your facebook and ended up here! Wow! We need to get together soon!!!
Becky Campbell (Gulick)
Come back & write some more on your blog...I love reading it! It's good to write it all down so you can move past it, sometimes :)
Kelly, you're not alone! I don't have the responsibilities as a mother that you do, but my life also feels very chaotic AND stagnant at the same time (is that possible?) -- and the combination IS overwhelming. I completely relate to being "overwhelmed by life in general" and how it sneaks up on you. If I don't watch myself, I find myself giving in a little each day to the idea that this is how life is just to be. Thank you for sharing and for inspiring me to turn to God. This is a great blog post that inspired me recently as well, you might like it :) : http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/2009/11/house-of-mercy.html
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